So what would happen if I suddenly stop existing? In other words, if I die, fall of a cliff or get abducted by aliens at night. Apart from the emotional reactions of those who knew me; the tears, shaking heads, tch tchs, evil laughs etc, what would be the real consequence? Anything affected? Any consequences to the material world, anybody harmed?
Let’s see. A regular day at home. 7 30 AM. My mom goes to wake me up; the bed is empty, she imagines I’m already up and about, goes back to the kitchen.. My morning cup of black tea gets cold, colder and then evaporates in the heat. So far the only inconvenience caused and the only physical change my absence has caused. Everything else is working like clockwork. That’s one of the good things bout never helping one’s mom in the kitchen- no one inconvenienced in the event of death (!). Around eight, couple of sweet, evidently jobless, very evidently early risers type people start sending me(along with everyone else in their phone books), good morning messages on the phone. These go unanswered. But no problem there, I do that all the time. Not that I do not care, I do, very much. But the level of emotional reaction caused is not enough to wake me up from my post wake up call disorientation. It’s a difficult time.I'm sure they understand.
So where were we? By now, the morning’s newspapers would be crammed inside the metal post box perched on our gate with no one to rescue them. The second casualty of my non-existence, I may call them. Since I am the only person in the house deranged enough to devour the contents of two newspapers (its true), one face flat on the left side of things and the other decidedly right wing, yuppie and urban, every morning, there’s a hundred percent chance that the said newspapers will end up spending quality time with each other inside the shiny box the whole of this day, the first since my mysterious disappearance. We move on. There are a lot of beneficiaries to my disappearance whom I should not forget to mention-my toothbrush and paraphernalia remain pristine to day and water and power conservation get a major fillip for sure. If it were a working day and I still had a college to go to, many more benefits could’ve been listed and many more people would have had a an easier time; one less person to crowd the bus, more space on the first bench, a teacher with a quieter class etc. But since it’s the grand ‘holidays’ they will not be able to avail the benefits of my non-existence.
By nine thirty, the parents depart, pleasanter and light hearted than usual; their constant irritant for the last twenty years removed in addition to having less clutter and books disfiguring the living room. The only slight inconvenience here is that there’s no one to lock the door and to stage her own version of Home alone. I must remind you that we’re totally ignoring emotions, paranoia etc that human beings may have, and considering a situation where normal life goes on, just without me in it. I realize that this is not practically happen-able, but bear with me here, I am obviously cracked in the head.
So, mom and dad have left. My breakfast is the next casualty on our list. It is left untouched and uneaten in the kitchen; its life’s purpose never to be fulfilled. A myriad of refrigerator flora also suffer the same fate. Bournville bars cry, the tetra packed milk sniffs, hide and seek biscuits sigh and the banana chips jump off the counter in a bid to commit suicide. Well, you get the idea. Since all of these things are more or less the same specie, we name them casualty number three- all the things that I eat. Now you can choose look at this scenario from a positive perspective; less consumption, less energy use, less global warming, the world is saved! Me, I'd say that it would be too much of a stretch to think this way. But it all depends on how much of a sun shine cookie head you are.
The next casualty ladies and gentle men, is the most affected on our list- The Television and all its channels. The TV sits perplexed. The parents’ leaving is its usual sign to spring into life. It awaits that moment everyday of the vacation; much the same way flowers await the sun or useless people await their wedding day. (there is a chance I was murdered). The TV waits and waits for its mistress ; Friends, Bones, Desperate house wives, all go on unwatched. The music player suffers the same fate, so does the computer. On the bright side, the neighbourhood din is reduced, however insignificantly; my TV not adding to the energetic tum tum from the work shop or the chainsaw noise from the carpenter’s nearby. Anyway, we have here casualty five- the entertainment, information (ahem) Industry. (Everything gets to be called an ‘industry these days; the education industry, the beauty industry, the ear drops industry etc. So I don’t see why my attempts at wasting time cannot be given the same honour). Meanwhile, another casualty, the phone, goes on suffering. Aitel, which calls me with the regularity and frequency of a scorned boyfriend, rings up around two and then again at around six. Friends might call but will be unsurprised as usual at my not answering. The phone vibrates itself off the bedside table and hits the floor. After much twitching, it dies. Casualty number five.
Fast forwarding to the next casualty on our list, there is no one to read the books stacked up on the bed or to return the ones I took from the library in like 1925. If I compress time and fast-forward effects, I can declare that the librarian awaiting the books and the fee is a casualty. Books can also be considered a minor casualty, assuming of course that they like to read and tossed around on the bed. Titles doomed to die unread: The Dubliners, The Scarlet letter, a collection of stories by S,K Pottekkadu, Kipling’s Kim(well, its doomed either way, I have drawn up no five year plan yet that includes reading it), copies of national geographic already come and yet to etc. So we have casualty number six-library and some books with no one to read them.
Moving on again, its evening, dad and mom are back; no one to welcome them as usual. I clearly haven’t chosen today to reach home earlier than them. Another cup of Kannan Devan Gold evaporates and joins the clouds above. We’ll club it with casualty number one, the morning cup of tea. The night arrives with no one to switch on the lights and light the brass lamp. I think I can safely say that my parents have some inconveniences to face but I can’t call them casualties since, from a strictly pragmatic point of view, they have more benefits than things to complain about. Couples of more hours go by and it’s bed time. Nobody affected by my absence since the evening cup of tea.
The day ends; lights go off. As far as I can see, my going ‘poof!’ has irreparably affected six entities. To recap, they are- Two cups of black tea, two newspapers, the home entertainment-information industry aka TV-Computer-music player, the phone, books-library and All the things I eat. True, friends and relatives may have noticed, but their reactions don’t count as these are neither quantifiable nor irreparable. In conclusion, I can happily say that I would, in the event of my not existing anymore, have done more service than harm. My sympathies to the six casualties of course but since I am not extinct at present, I could do something to make things easier on them. Draw up a will maybe…
The huge benefit of this exercise, apart from the immense satisfaction of boring people to cold hard death, is that I am not anymore, under the illusion that I am of much consequence. All my suspicions and gut feelings, usually brushed off by friends and relatives, are confirmed. I no longer feel like an inflated amoeba( assuming something as tiny has thick enough skin to be inflated)- small, yet filled with air and with airs! I am currently deflated; happily pseudopodifying through the sea, and respectful (very) of higher life forms.
Tata.
